Slayers Special- Umpteen Usagis
by Richard Beaubien
Summary: Lina and Naga are off to find a great treasure in the cave of the Usagi!


Mizuno Productions Presents  
  
A Fanfic Work by Richard Beaubien  
  
Slayers Special - Umpteen Usagis  
  
It looked like a run down hut on the side of the road. The paint was  
chipping, moss was growing on the sides, most of the windows were broken,  
and the screen door was falling off the hinges. And on the porch was a man  
slowly rocking, spitting tobacco into a battered brass bowl. Yes sir, it  
certainly looked like a run down little hole, ready to fall down in the   
face of a raging storm, a horde of monsters, or a door to door salesman.  
  
But looks can be deceiving sometime, for inside this hut could be the   
hideout of a great bandit king and his followers, looting and pillaging   
people as they pass by. People who thought the hut was only a run down   
little hole and not a lair of the denizens of evil.  
  
Of course this hut was just a normal little hut, nothing more and nothing  
less. But it helps to be on your toes when your an adventurer, as any   
traveling party would tell you.  
  
And Lina Inverse was always on her toes when she was on the road. It  
prevented her from falling into traps, being ambushed by monsters, avoid   
random fan service shots and avoid all those people who wanted her to pay   
for her restaurant bills. All great perils for the young adventurer on the   
road, great sorcerer or not.  
  
"Oh ho! We're on the right path now Lina, just a short while til we reach   
the cave of the Usagi!"  
  
A shiver went up Lina's spine as her traveling partner started to laugh,  
it's shrill never ceasing to annoy her. Or anyone else for that matter,   
though the men didn't seem to mind much since Naga's laugh always led   
to a fair bit of fan service. Something Lina wished she could do, instead  
of smashing the men who were stupid enough to mention her bust size.  
  
"Are you sure? This doesn't look like a path way to a great treasure.  
Heck, this looks like a park trail or something." Lina paused to point at the  
many tourists walking the trail, the young couples holding hands, the kids   
playing ball, and a small group of young adults who were dressed somewhat   
like adventures. Only they had no swords and were busy rolling dice and   
talking about thaco instead of going off to slay bandits.  
  
"You're so naive Lina," Naga chuckled in way she could only chuckle, her  
ample resources moving up and down in rhythm to her laughter. One  
of the young men on the trail promptly started to nosebleed, and his  
girlfriends quickly followed the nosebleed with a mallet but that has  
nothing to do with the story beyond adding a sight gag. And Lina knew  
there was going to be more of those later so there was no point dwelling  
on just one, especially when she wasn't in it. She was the star after  
all.  
  
"Excuse me, but did you young ladies mention something about a great   
treasure?' the man on the porch commented, interrupting Lina's train of   
thoughts. "If your going to the cave of the Usagi then you should probably   
head back right now!"  
  
"And why is that, Old man?" Lina said, a hint of interest finally  
appearing in her voice. If locals were indeed scared of this cave that had  
to mean something of value was there. Though they may have just exiled  
all of their statisticians to the cave, like all enlightened people do.  
Either or, it was a great opportunity for Lina to let lose with some  
stress relief.  
  
"Because the monster there is so terrifying, so evil, so scary, that  
nobody has come back alive with a picture of it." Cracks of lighting   
filled the sky, and ominous light surrounded the man. A wry grin crossed   
his face, his sound effects and lighting machine made doing scenes like  
this so cool, and added credibility to his warnings. After all, ominous   
danger need ominous lightning and sounds.  
  
"So, it's just a monster. We'll beat it like we always do," a non-plussed  
Lina replied, noting that the lighting and effects used by the man were   
definitely amateur. Actually worse than amateur, she had seen better at   
local grade school plays.  
  
"Don't you mean I'll destroy it? After all I'm the best sorcerous of the  
two"  
  
"But you don't know the monster," the man replied, trying to talk some  
sense into the insane young girls, "The thing has beady little eyes and   
really big teeth".  
  
"Oh ho!! But we've destroyed monsters like those before," Naga replied.  
  
"What, do you think you girls are Lina Inverse or something?" the man  
laughed, "Only that demon would be foolish enough to take on this  
monster!"  
  
A gentle breeze passed over the three, a bird chirped as it flew over. It   
knew better than to stick around, what with the smoking rising from Lina's   
head. The others on trail backed off too, seeing all too well the glowing   
neon sign of danger over Lina. A sign the man was ignoring as he continued  
to laugh. "Ano, but I am Lina Inverse."  
  
The laughter promptly stopped as a large sweat dropped appeared on the  
man. "What, you can't be her. You can't be Lina Inverse. You can't be the   
Bandit Killer!"  
  
  
  
"The infamous Dragon Spooker!"  
  
  
"The destroyer of cities!"  
  
  
"The flat chested terror of humanity, Lina Inverse!!!"  
  
  
"Eh, I guess my overhead light is dead!" A hearty laughter filled the area   
as the man ignored the bastard swords Lina was sending his way. If he did  
see them, he would of started running away instead of finishing his next   
sentence. "Though you can't be her, you've got a flatter chest than all of   
the pictures"  
  
"FIRE BALL!"  
  
"Now Lina,"  
  
"DIL BRANDO!"  
  
"We must keep our anger under control," Naga replied, though she knew full   
well Lina was ignoring her.  
  
"BURST RONDO"  
  
"Remember your anger management classes"  
  
"ELKIMIRA LANCE!"  
  
As the dust settled form the assault of magic and stock footage, where  
once a run down little hut stood remained nothing more than a pile of   
ashes.. And where there was once a pile of ashes was an even smaller pile   
of ashes and so on.   
  
The crowd watched on in shock, looking at Lina Inverse with terror and  
fear in their eyes. If she would do that to an off hand comment, who knew  
what she would do to the people listening to it. All watched on in panic,   
waiting for her next words.  
  
"All right, I'm getting better at controlling my anger! I didn't use my  
full arsenal this time," A bubbly cheerful girl replied, causing a mass  
face fault among the audience. "Anyway, off to the cave!!!"  
  
"Oh ho!! Your so naive Lina if you think you can beat me to any  
treasure!" Naga laughed as she started to run after her traveling partner.   
  
A few seconds past before the people who face faulted started to get up,  
all offered silent prayers in the hope that Lina Inverse would never come  
to this trail again. They had already seen enough of her destructive  
power, and they didn't need to see more.  
  
"Err, what about the guy that got blasted?" One of the locals asked, "He  
could probably use some medical aid."  
  
"But that demon may come back if we help him,"  
  
"True, true...But it is our duty to help out the wounded"  
  
"Not when it comes to her, I don't want to get her mad."  
  
"But, we can't let him die!!!"  
  
"God damn it, I'm armor Class 0!! No bloody orc should hit me!!!"  
  
A large pause soon followed, and a round of sound malleting prevented  
another face fault. Soon attention was back on the main plot point, the  
small pile of hut ashes. A pile that was moving...  
  
"AHHHH!!!!!!" the black armor clad figure laughed as he burst up from the  
remains of his abode, "I'll get you for this Lina Inverse, for I am the  
great Black Knight, and I shall rebuild my reputation over your body.  
OHOHOHOH!!!"  
  
The laughter filled the valley, the trail was in a valley for those who  
didn't know, and even began to drown out the faint echos of Naga's laugh.  
The pheasants covered there ears, the laughter wasn't annoying per say  
but it bothered them. It was almost like a slight nuisance, a fly buzzing  
around constantly.   
  
Whatever it was, the source was certainly annoying.   
  
"MWHAHAHAHA!!! Once the great monster takes care of you I shall take your  
remains and take credit for killing you. And then the Black Knight will  
be the greatest bandit once again!!!OHOHOHOHOHO!!!"  
  
The crowd just sighed at that, as it started to leave. Destruction and  
sight gags where one thing, but this was getting silly. And there was one  
thing the locals didn't like it was silliness...  
  
*****  
  
"Do you hear something Naga?" Lina commented, hearing the faint sounds of  
laughter fill the valley. It had a different tone and pitch than Naga's  
usual laugh, so it couldn't be hers, unless someone cloned her again.  
Lina shivered at that thought.  
  
"I don't hear anything, besides keep your mind on the here and now, the  
cave is coming up next."  
  
The cave itself looked like a small, pleasantly well kept place. It  
lacked any real dangers like sharp objects or loose rocks and looked like  
a pleasant place to hike through for even the beginner hiker. A lush  
green forest surrounded the pathway on the cave and it too looked calm  
and appealing, as one of the tress had a tire swing on it for use by the  
local kids.   
  
"Eh? This doesn't look like the lair of a monster!"  
  
"Now, now Lina, looks can be deceiving. Besides don't you have that  
feeling we're being watched?"  
  
"Yes," Lina replied, looking over to one of the bushes, a rose bush to be  
exact. "I can see a pair of red eyes looking at us from that bush"  
  
The two adventures entered an alert stance, reading there two most  
powerful spells to be used on the monster. The bush in front of them  
started to rustle, the red eye's still looking at them with evil intent.  
Suddenly it leapt forward, ready to reveal it's self to the world.  
  
Quickly, as if almost by instinct, Lina started to cast one of her attack  
spells "FireBa......."  
  
"Stop!" Naga shouted, bringing her own attack spell under control.  
  
"What, why? Eh?" Lina asked in rapid succession before taking a look at  
the monster that was attacking them. It had beady little eyes like the  
man said, but it also had a fluffy tail and two floppy ears.  
  
"Miya," the best growled, as it hopped towards Lina and Naga, terror in  
it's eyes.  
  
"It's..It's...It's a Bunny Rabbit" Lina stuttered in full sweat drop,  
"That's not a monsters, it's a rabbit"  
  
"Well, the animators where running low on money for this episode,"  
  
"But a rabbit?"  
  
"Well, what were you expecting for the cave of Usagi, Lina?"  
  
Visions ran through Lina's head as she pondered the question. She  
expected fierce girls in Bunny suits with mallets, and a two girls in  
weird Sailor Fukus with two Odango like pony tails for a hair style. But  
she didn't expect a simple bunny rabbit, though she doubted they could  
afford the legal bills to do any of the other things.  
  
"Ne, Lina, we can go through the cave now!"   
  
"Mou, Wait up Naga," Lina huffed as she started to catch up to her  
partner, "Bye Bye Usagi- san!!!"  
  
The rabbit just blinked in surprise, as it hoped along to the next bush.  
It started to nibble on the flowers before it saw another figure walk up  
to cave, this one dressed in all black armor. "Miya?" It said as it  
greeted the lone figure.  
  
"Out of the way, bunny!!" The Black Night yelled as he punted the furry  
critter into the horizon. "So, you beat the monster, huh. But it doesn't  
matter, the cave of fear shall destroy you. And then I shall claim the  
glory that's rightfully mine!!!MWHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
******  
  
Somewhere else in the forest, a large flock of cute little bush tailed  
bunnies were standing and eating shrubbery. It was rather nice shrubbery,  
all laid in a nice landscaping pattern sure to impress almost anyone. Not  
that the rabbits cared for landscaping, they just wanted a good snack,  
but it was nice to have a well garnished meal once and while.  
  
However their nice peaceful meal was interrupted by a loud thud, the thud  
of a rabbit landing hard on the ground. The thousands of beady little  
eye's turned to look at the once flying rabbit.  
  
"MIYA!!"  
  
"Miya?"  
  
And so the conversation continued on like that for a few minutes, one  
party saying miya while the other replies with Miya. It would be an  
interesting conversation to hear, but since the author can't speak Rabbit  
will just quickly gloss over this, and instead move to a much funnier  
scene with cream pies, whipping cream, and mallets....  
  
****  
  
The exit of the cave of Usagi looked pretty much the same as the  
entrance, with the same rose bushes and the same pleasant forest  
surrounding it. One of the tress also had the same tire swing on it,  
where the same kids could swing and have fun on a sunny   
day as on the other side.  
  
All in all it would strike Lina as a sense of deja Vu, that is if Lina  
had any feelings of dread at all. But this adventurer had been nothing  
more than a peaceful nature walk, a boring one at that. Lina hoped  
something would happen soon, she needed something to channel her overly  
powerful mystic arts into. And destroying some power, pitiful monster was  
one of the top things she chose to do.  
  
"Oh ho! We're almost there Lina, Soon we shall have the grail in our  
hands OHOHOHOHOH!!!"  
  
"But, it's been too easy, there hasn't been any monsters to fight," Lina  
pouted, she really, really wanted to cast a Dragon Slave today.  
  
"Mou, your so naive Lina Inverse"  
  
"And will you stop calling me naive!!!"  
  
"But you are," Naga giggled, which was a loud sounding laugh for most  
normal people, "I mean easily getting a famous treasure is the dream of  
all true adventurers"  
  
"But I wanna fight something!!1" Lina replied, tears filling her eyes in  
an almost puppy dog like fashion.  
  
"Well, we can fight the guy that has been tailing us for the last little bit."  
  
"Oh, him?" Lina laughed as she pointed at the push, "But he'll be no  
challenge at all!"  
  
"WHAT!!" The rose bush screamed, revealing the hiding Black Knight, "I am  
the famous Black Knight, the terror of these parts. I shall rebuild my  
fearsome reputation over your bodies!!!"  
  
"You see, not even worth a good spell," Lina remarked as they walked off,  
ignoring the Black Knight.   
  
"WHAT, YOU DARE IGNORE ME!!!!" the Knight screamed between pants as he  
ran in front of the two warriors, "I AM THE BLACK KNIGHT I AM THE MOST  
FEARSOME OF ALL WARRIORS!!!"  
  
"Okay, we get the point! Stop with the yelling please!!"  
  
"Heh, heh!!MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" The nauseatingly evil laughter filled the  
air, the Black Knight confident in his powers, "Your weakness is pathetic  
Lina Inverse, and your powers have been weakened by the great battles you  
have fought. Now I shall finish you off here!!!"  
  
"What great battles?" Lina paused while thinking, the cream pie fight in  
the cave could hardly be called a great battle.  
  
"Forget that, where does he get off laughing like that. I'll show him a  
laugh!!! OHOHOHOHOH!!!" The power of Naga's laugh filled the air,  
drowning out the Black Knights dark power. So powerful was it, that the  
Knight was brought to his knees.  
  
"So you still have power, But no matter, I shall use my Ultimate move on  
you!!!" Bolts of lighting surrounded the Knight as pale blue glow  
surrounded him, the feeling of true power invading his body. All made  
more dramatic by his visual effects machine, which was just so cool.  
  
"Fell my revenge for destroying my house, feel the revenge of my father.  
Taste the power of the Strongest move of the strongest style ever known  
to man. EAT THIS LINA INVERSE, SHINKU GADOUKEN!!!!"  
  
A small blue puff ball came from the Knights fist, traveling slowly  
towards Lina. It probably would of hurt a small bit, if it hit. But it  
faded away only a few from the Black Knight, causing Lina to break out in  
a sweat drop.  
  
"How did you like that, my Saikyo style!!OYAJIII!!!"  
  
"Fireball," Lina said meekly, feeling embarrassed at even having seen  
such a move. The fireball impacted with the knight and sent him flying  
into the horizon, shouting Yahoo at every possible moment. The sweat drop  
deepened on Lina's head.  
  
"Anyway, onward to the Grail," Naga commented, starting up the path.   
  
"Oh no, I've had enough of this silliness!!"  
  
"But Lina,"  
  
"Nope, I'm going to town to get a meal," and with that she turned and  
left Naga on the path alone. She wasn't going to fall for anymore  
pathetic sight gags or Saikyo fighters. Besides she might meet a real  
bandit or something on the road.  
  
"But Lina...Lina...Oh hohoho!! Your naive Lina if you think you can hide  
your score from Naga the Serpent!!!OHOHOHOHOH!!!" Naga laughed as she  
ran into the sunset, trying to catch up with her partner.   
  
She needed some sake more than some silly grail anyway....  
  
*****  
  
"YAHOOO!!" The Black Knight screamed as he hit the ground hard, his armor  
shattering with the impact. His revenge had been delayed but Lina Inverse  
knew the power of Saikyo style, and it would only be a short time before  
he had his revenge.  
  
"Miya?"   
  
"Eh?" The Knight looked around to see the source of the voice, only to  
find a bright eyed bush tailed rabbit. A Rabbit with beady little eyes  
and large teeth, a rabbit that was next to another beady little eyed  
rabbit. Which was next to another, which was next to a whole bunch of the  
little bunnies.  
  
"Miya!!" they said in unison as the looked at the Black Knight, a knight  
who was terrified beyond all belief.   
  
Lina Inverse didn't kill the monster of the Usagi cave, it was still  
alive. And it was ready to attack him.   
  
"Help," he meekly said, as a horde of rabbits started to nibble his  
clothes, all the while saying Miya.  
  
It was a fitting end to the master of Saikyo, nibbled to death by umpteen  
Usagis...  
  
The End  
  
Authors Ramblings and Rants...:)  
  
Well, yet another trip into Slayers Madness for this author. This one was  
loosely inspired by Slayer Gorgeous Sound Track and Monty Python's Holy  
Grail. Hell, it was supposed to be a parody of the Rabbit scene but it  
took on a life of it's own...:) I'm not sure about some of the attack  
names, so make sure to whap me if they ain't right...:)  
  
Anyway, Saikyo and Gadouken stuff is from Dan (the man) in the SF series,  
everything else is copyright a whole bunch of other people.   
  
Thanks go out to David Johnstone for help Pre-reading, Mike Ko's for  
helping to feed my insanity, and all the free pope at work that keeps me  
up at night. If they only new what it lead to...:)  
  
Anyway, hoped you like this..:)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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